Twas the night before Christmas and all throughout Luna
Not a Legionnaire was stirring not even a Necromutant
The heretics and non-believers were hung in the city’s center square
In hopes that Cardinal Dominic would no longer despair
The children of Ilian were bouncing on their beds
While eating the brains from several Mishiman heads
And Golgotha in her nightgown, and I in my spikey helm,
had decided to get freaky and put it on film
When out in the alley there arose such a noise
that I grabbed my Kratach and woke up the boys
Away to the window, like a Soul Reaver I began a-steppin’
And I swtiched off the safety of my semi-automatic weapon
The earth up above produced a deepening shadow
And I could see almost nothing in the alley below
When, what to my delight did finally approach
T’was a squad of Cartel agents in those stupid trench-coats
With a sharp dressed leader, muscular and quick
I knew in a moment it must be Agent Michaels, a.k.a. Nick
More rapid than yes-men, his squad promptly obeyed
When he told them, “Lock and load… this is the place!”
"Now, TOPKICK! now, PFC JOE! now, COIL and ARCHER!
On, ALPHA! on DMCGEE! on, SOUTHPAW and STALKER!
I need two of you on the roof and don’t forget the mission
Put on your gas masks men, and get into position.
As quick as molasses TOPKICK and SOUTHPAW flew
Once up on the roof they knew exactly what to do
Around to the back went COIL and JOE
Establishing a fire-base with Gehenna Puker in tow
And then, in a moment, I heard from the ground floor
A crash and a bang as Nick kicked in the door.
“ARCHER, ALPHA, STALKER and MCGEE!
Stay on my heels boys! You’re coming with me!”
He was dressed all in black, from his head to his toe
And he brandished his deadly punisher combo
A satchel of explosives he had flung on his back
and he prepared to set them about after opening his pack
My eyes – were all wrinkled! My pimples quite scarey
And my Nepharite arms were all twisted and hairy
My snarling mouth was drawn up like a bow
As I bound down the stairs an let loose a fearsome bellow
The agents were cowed and they gritted their teeth
As the smoke from my Kratach encircled me like a wreath
They screamed in agony as the phosphorous rounds pierced their bellies
And left their fresh corpses on the floor—burned and smelly
Nick was mad! He was peeved! A right angry young man
And I laughed when I saw him draw his sword in his hand
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his wrist,
He came awfully close to performing a bris!
I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And expelled a noxious cloud on that pompous little jerk,
He clasped both his hands over his uncovered nose,
But my flatulent emission sped him toward gentle repose.
With his dying breath, to his team he gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
And I heard one exclaim, as they ran out of sight,
"I should have stayed home and played Warzone tonight!”
