CGI: Commanding General’s Inspection
This is the most difficult but realistic scenario.
In-Brief. Pick five people who hate, or at the very least resent you; they will be your inspectors. Give them coffee and doughnuts. They will tell you that this inspection is for your own benefit to make sure you are “on track” but it should not be difficult or painful. Have them act all buddy-buddy then kick you in the shins when they go to shake your hand.
Part 1: Uniform Inspection
Transport your entire army in a shoe box. Play a full game, throwing each figure back into the box when done, then transport them back home and immdidately line them up for inspection. Your inspector will now gig you on every dinged, dented, scratched, bent or unpainted miniature in your collection. You have 24 hours to fix every discrepancy, even though you are expected to do everything you would normally do during that time, plus undergo the remainder of the inspection.
Part 2: Administration
Give your evaluator your UWZ rulebook. He is to then gig you for not having a changes page, table of contents, or serial number to denote how many UWZ books you have, or a card for a card catalog for the number of rulebooks you own in your personal Warzone library. He will gig you for having any previous editions in your library, even as "reference material". He will then gig you for not having penned in all the changes from the errata, grammatical errors in the rulebook and adding in all the answers to the FAQs from the now-defunct website. You will also be gigged for not having an advance copy of fourth edition, even though it’s never been written. He will then quiz you on the contents of the rules. If you catch him misinterpreting a particular rule set he will gig you for not doing it “the right way”.
Part 3: Training
Your evaluator will inform you that you were to have completed fifty games this year. If you have not played all fifty games you will be penalized. If you have played all fifty games, he will expect you to produce a roster for each army played, a list of who your opponent was, where the game was played, and an after-action report for each battle. If you do not have any of these you will be penalized; withouth "proper documentation" the training did not occur. He will also penalize you for your rosters, after action reports, etc. not being in the proper format, even though no proper format has been provided, or is hopelessly out of date.
Part 4: Environmental
Your evaluator will then tour your workshop. Your paint brushes will be deemed inappropriate and you will be gigged for your painting station not being ergonomically correct. You will also be gigged for not having the proper type of respirator for when you prime your figures. You will also be gigged for not having a proper HAZMAT collection site for miniature shavings, used paint water, and old super glue bottles. You will also be told that your paint bottles are not up to OSHA standards.
Part 5: Physical Fitness.
You will be told that the figures’ physical fitness is not being evaluated, but how you give the test is. Since miniatures can’t run, all your figures fail. This will then go on their permanent training record despite what the inspector said. If you don’t have a permanent training record for each miniature to include regular counseling, you will be gigged.
Out-Brief
You will be told that you did not fail, but the team found some “disturbing trends”. You will be told that unless you correct them, you will be unable to game in the local area. You will be told that you have 90 days to correct the deficiencies they found, but the paperwork outlining what changes you have made to correct them are due in a week. Any paperwork you do have every member of your family sign a routing sheet on top of the folder it is in. Once signed, immediate take it to a shredder to simulate the inspectors losing it. Repeat two more times before you are deemed “acceptable”. Repeat the entire exercise in one year with completely different instructors who use completely different standards.
